Shatter
by K32
Summary: Kari reflects a bit on her life...about how much of a failure she has been although no one acts as if she has...[Depressing, Suicidal Kari]


K3's Notes:  
Digimon fanfic again! Another one about Kari. I always thought that Kari might secretly be suicidal...she is too much like me for her own good! Heeheehee! :]   
So this is Kari reflecting on how she's failed everyone throughout her life...No one specifically mentioned, not even herself really, I guess you could apply this to any anime character who has Kari's dark side....  
Well, enjoy. It's pretty damned depressing, but hey.   
  
  
Shatter:  
  
  
Wasted...  
  
Twelve years. Twelve wasted years. I spent twelve years on this planet, believing in a certian code. A code that says: Do what you can to help others. Simple, sound advice. I was the good girl, the happy girl, the one that people knew that they could come to if they needed anything. I was the one that everyone thought would grow up and change the world for the better. I wasn't perfect and no one expect me to be, that was just to hard to live up to, but they still put me on a pedestal. Everyone expected me to be great and to do great things. Did they expect to much from me? Was it I who failed? Did anyone realize that in thinking so much about others, that I was forced to forget about myself?  
  
  
Understanding...  
  
Now I have come to realize the truth. All of my life has been nothing. I have lived for the unobtainable. I can never be the person everyone wanted me to be. I see the displeased looks in their eyes when ever they glance at me. I see their disillusion, they know that all the hopes that they placed on me have been abandoned. Leaving me with nothing. Do they realize that I am abandoned too?  
  
  
Unbreakable...  
  
They don't need me anymore, and I don't need them. I can hold my own. I now have a new code: Don't feel, don't care and you won't get hurt. I am alone now. I am the epitome of desolation. They cannot hurt me anymore. I would rather be deprived of the small amount of worth and love that I have ever felt from anyone, then be left with the immese shame and the hurt that I get from them now. I am indestrucutable. Without feelings, I now have everything I could have ever dreamed of. I am free. Or am I?  
  
  
Feeling...  
  
It has been 1 year since I started living without feelings. All the emotions I've locked away inside the depths of me cannot stay there any longer. They are starting to tear out of me, leaving nothing intact. I am starting to feel again. I don't want this. I find a razor blade and I use it to cut my arms into pecies, in a desperate attempt to put all of my feelings back inside or at least to let them leak out of my skin harmlessly. I isn't working. Night after night I sit at the edge of my bed and cry until I get so weak from sobbing that I collapse. This is no way to be living. I can't take it anymore. It must end somehow. How do I make my feelings disappear again?  
  
Breaking...  
  
Mirrors. They reflect an image that is supossed to be you. They have alway facinated me. Are we to blindly believe that the reflection we see is ourselves? Then what about me during the first twelve years of my life? Who was the person that reflected back to me in the mirror? There are lots of mirrors in my bathroom. Too many to count. I look into one of them and stare at the image in front of me. She looks just like I did when I was eight. She smiles at me and almost says to me: "Are you happy? You were the good girl and now you have failed at that. How many more failures will you allow yourself? Will you have to fail at everything before you finnaly realize that you are worthless?!"   
She screams at me. I cannot stand to see her in the mirror, mocking me for not living up to the life that was preetermined for me. I clinch my hands into fists. The reflection laughs at me cynically. She, the picture of what I could never be, has to be destroyed, to erase any thought of what could have been. I smash my fists into the mirror. Fragments rain around my head, looking like pieces of diamond. A chain reaction starts and the rest of the mirrors in the room split. Thousand shards of crystal shower around me. I pick up a large segment of cracked mirror and hold it in my hands, not noticing my bleeding handsf. Now, what should I do with it?  
  
  
Escaping...  
  
The mirror shard glimers with my blood, shining in the flourecent light. I raise it above my head, knowing that there is only one way out of this hell that has become my exitance. I think for a moment about all the things that I would be leaving behind. The world will be a better place, I figure. I will not let my determination for this falter. I bring my hands down quickly and thrust the jagged mirror fragment into my body. White light explodes in front of me. My legs lose their feeling and I slump to the ground as my wound bleeds profusely. I lift my hands up breifly and see that they are stained red. My life-force slips between my fingers as I watch, mezmerized by the sensations I am feeling. My body grows cold. Darkness starts to seap into my vision. Did I do the right thing? Was this my only choice? I wonder momentarily, before the blackness claims me. I am forever gone. Time is frozen, depciting the picture of a life ruined by too many expectations for all eternity.....  
  
Shatter....  
  
_=_=_=_=_  
  
Depressing, ne? While I was writing that, I wasn't able to figure out just how much of it I was writting from Kari's POV and my own...*sigh* I'm going to go to bed and eat some Pixy Stix, then I'll be fine again. Byz. :] 


End file.
